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Notes to Man's Best Friend

An open letter to canines who think they are humans

Name:
Dear Dog...
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Posting Access:
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Dear Dog:

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions so that you are still in the way when I move forward.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular me while stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking your tail straight out and having your tongue hang out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years; canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.


Community moderator is sionainn. Please contact sionainn AT livejournal DOT com if there are any questions/concerns. Also check out our sister community note_to_cat.

Basic obiedence rules apply here: Play nice. No biting. Sit! Stay!

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